why i’m such a mess: an autobiography

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Hello! My name is Lysandre (“Lie-sand-urr”) and I’m a transmasc demiboy who also happens to be otherkin and fictionkin! I’m a Libra, born in ‘98, and I call myself gay/queer as an umbrella/catch-all for my weird fucked up hodgepodge of micro-identities.

My neurodivergencies include autism, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and probably some other stuff I can’t remember right now. I’m self-diagnosed and not seeking any professional diagnoses on account of a fear of losing my autonomy and hindering other aspects of my financial and professional life and also a professional diagnosis simply does not matter to me. I know what my symptoms are and these are the labels that describe those symptoms best.

You can call me by any of my kintypes’ names and doubles are perfectly okay! I’m open to chatting about memories, general kin experiences, headcanons/theories about our sources, or whatever really! I just like talking about things I’m interested in generally, so make yourself comfortable in my inbox :)

I apologize in advance, but I don’t use tone indicators. They just confuse me and I can’t memorize all those acronyms. It helps me a LOT more if you just clearly state the intent behind your message if you’re worried it might come across with a different connotation! I’m mostly pretty good at reading tone in situational context, but I’ll ask for clarification if I’m not sure.

I’m a digital artist and I write fanfiction! I crave engagement with my works <3 I go by Lucifer in non-kin spaces to keep my communities separate and avoid uncomfortable conversations and harassment.

before you interact with me

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Shipcourse stance:

The "antishipper" and "proshipper" debate is a more nuanced topic than Tumblr likes to make it out to be. I see merit in both sides of the argument, but find that certain practices within fandom surrounding this topic to be more harmful than beneficial. I recommend reading this roundtable discussion in an editorial published by Philipp Dominik Keidl and Abby S. Waysdorf to the Organization for Transformative Works, who created Archive of Our Own.

Pet names:

I don’t like ‘em being used for me if we don’t know each other well, and even then I’m iffy on them. I especially don’t like being called "girl" or "queen" even in a gender neutral / queer context. Some informal nouns like "dude", "bestie", "homie", etc. are perfectly fine. Names like "your highness", "your majesty", "my lord", "king", "his dorkish eminence" are also all okay and highly encouraged :)

Teasing:

I’m quite fond of playful teasing and using heavy sarcasm to convey a joke. Unintentional typoes and verbal flubs make me giggle. That said, if you do not like being teased in this way or any other way, please let me know! I personally do not like jokes or teasing aimed at my intelligence or manhood. However, I am fine with and think it’s funny being called a fool / foolish.

Venting:

Please don’t vent to me or ask to vent to me. My empathy levels are practically nonexistant due to past experiences and the minute someone starts unloading on me I become mentally and emotionally drained. Generalizations of a bad day-to-day experience or just ranting about a sucky situation you’re in without any expectation of emotional comfort / reassurance is fine in moderation, but if you start venting to me about something that should probably be brought up in therapy, then I prefer that you save it for therapy instead.

(Self-)Derogatory humour:

Jokes that trivialize trauma, self-harm, or suicidal ideation make me really uncomfortable, e.g. "kms" / "kys", "I’m an idiot", etc. This kind of humour, while it may seem like a useful coping mechanism, only serves to reinforce those feelings and worsen the mental state in my experience.

Blocking:

Big fan of the block button. Don’t like someone’s vibes? Block. Someone left a comment on your mutual’s post that left a bad taste in your mouth? Block. Someone cross-tagged their anti discussion / discourse? Block. It’s really just that easy. If you don’t like me, something about me, or the way I post on my blog, feel free to block! I genuinely do not care. Even if you were my mutual before and you decide it’s just not working out, just send it. I won’t be that pressed about it, I promise, and I prefer hard-blocks to soft-blocks because I be forgettin’ shit sometimes and might try to follow you / follow again without knowing you don’t want me interacting anymore.

Callout culture:

Dude, I’m gonna be honest, I really just cannot be fucked to care about what tunglr dot hellsite user pissyourpants did to make you a little uncomfortable. I’m of the “curate your own online experience” opinion and just distance yourself from whatever it is you don’t like rather than actively trying to ruin The Internet™ for some rando you’ve probably never met. If that person is not actively and physically harming someone else, then don’t dox them, don’t send them anon hate or encourage a raid on their social media until they get shut out of everything, don’t stalk them and contact their place of business to get them fired—it’s really not that deep. Relax. Drink some water and have a kip and maybe you won’t be so cranky.

frequently asked questions that nobody asked (i made them up)

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Endogenic systems are fake / actually have repressed traumatic origins!

That’s not a question and also you’re wrong. Next.

What are your thoughts on Tulpamancy?

In short: Western contemporary Tulpamancy is wholly separated from any Tibetan Buddhist practice that has been conflated with the term. For a more detailed explanation behind my stance on this, check out this research note, Tracking the Tulpa, written by Natasha L. Mikles and Joseph P. Laycock, professors of philosophy at Texas State University.

Why do you support self-diagnoses?

Primarily because of the inherent risk that comes with receiving a professional diagnosis for various kinds of disorders that could consign someone otherwise perfectly capable of remaining autonomous to a life stripped of personal liberties. Additionally, it is sometimes exceptionally difficult for AMAB and AFAB people to obtain certain diagnoses due to the rampant sexism in the health care system that refuses accurate diagnosis strictly based on sex; as well as the fact that health care in general is widely out of financial scope for many people and trying to see a doctor or mental health professional could take a severe financial toll on many people. There are many resources available to research one’s own symptoms in order to find other resources and methods to cope and / or mitigate those symptoms, regardless of whether or not a self-diagnosis is wholly correct.

Can I inbox you questions about your kintypes / plurality / experiences?

Absolutely, as long as you remain respectful and sincere in your curiosity! I love talking about myself.

Can I ask for your opinion on my own experiences / questioning?

You may, but please remember my answer will only be my opinion based on my observations of the information you provide to me and maybe occasionally accompanied by links to other resources to check out if I can find any. Take my responses to these kinds of questions with a grain of salt, and always look for ways to continue to explore your experiences on your own in a way that helps you understand them!

Why do you call yourself homoflexible instead of bisexual? Isn’t that bi-erasure?

Depending on how you look at it, homoflexibility can indeed be viewed as a subset of bisexuality. Personally, however, I don’t identify with the bisexual label and find that homoflexible more accurately describes my relationship with my own sexuality. My primary form of attraction, both romantically and sexually, is with regards to men and masc-aligned people, and only very rarely and situationally do I find myself attracted in these ways to women or fem-aligned people. These instances feel more like “exceptions” to me rather than a facet of my sexuality that’s predisposed toward them, which is why “flexible” resonates more with me than being attracted to multiple genders.

Can you speak any other languages?

少し！私はならうデュオリンゴ事によってにほんご！
(A little bit! I’m learning Japanese with Duolingo!)

What are your otherkintypes?

Dragonkin, perytonkin, and daemonkin! Read more about my otherkin experience here.

When / How did you find out you were otherkin?

I’ve known about my otherkintypes since freshman year of high school when a friend introduced me to the concept of otherkin in the first place. She didn’t really provide much of an explanation for it beyond just “feeling” like some kind of creature, so I didn’t have much to go on, but as I started contemplating it more and more, gradually my soul and psyche began to take shape in my mind’s eye almost as if two separate beings, like my own personal Yin and Yang. As far as my history with fictionkin, I didn’t discover that until a couple years later when I realized that a lot of what I had been dumping into what came to me as a Homestuck OC at the time felt a lot like personal experience despite never enduring those things before. Ideas and “headcanons” began to play out more like memories and when I wrote in things to fill in certain gaps, I would eventually come back and alter those details when the “right” version came to me. This gradually started happening more and more often with new kinds of media until I just had to acknowledge the fact that these thoughts and feelings were far too involved to be just creative imagination.

Why don’t you like KFFers? (People who “kin for fun”)

Otherkin, fictionkin, kinning is all a belief system and / or sense of identity that one is not “human” in the typical sense of the word, was someone / something else in a past life, or is currently someone / something completely different than the human identity assigned to that person which they present to society. This is not something you can do “for fun”; it is an integral part of someone’s very being, spirituality, and / or soul. Saying that you “kin” someone / something simply because you feel you have a lot in common with them / it or relate strongly to their / its experiences does not make you ‘kin. To claim as much is to misuse and appropriate terms that do not belong to you from a community, a culture, you are not a part of. I beg those of you who “kin for fun” to find or develop different language to describe your experiences as they do not align with that of otherkin.

What does it mean to question a kintype? (I.E. “Kinsidering”)

In my experience, questioning a kintype is to be in that grey area of “Do I actually remember having experiences as [insert character] or is the vibe just that strong?” This can be a tricky time since it’s way too easy to convince yourself of a kintype due to confirmation bias, so I always take steps to meditate on why I feel so connected to a certain character when that feeling arises and interact with stimuli that could potentially trigger a memory (foods or activities associated with that character, gauging my active or passive interest in that character’s interests, etc.). Sometimes the answer comes to me in innocuous ways such as lying in bed when a flurry of memories suddenly bombard me.

Why do you believe you lived past lives as fictional characters?

I’m a firm believer of the Multiverse Theory, something I presented on in high school, and specifically to the "Ultimate Multiverse" classification, which posits that any and every set of circumstances has existed, does exist, or will exist in an ever-expanding multiverse, ad infinitum. For further reading about the different levels of parallel universes, I would suggest this publication by Max Tegmark, a physicist at Michigan Institute of Technology. My belief is that, in a multiverse of infinite possibility, therein also lies universes brought into existence by the simple act of imagining them, or vice versa—universes that already existed before they were introduced to us in the form of fictional media.